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Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 3

Sir Andrew joins the revels · William Shakespeare
Every note, for your class

SCENE III. A Room in Olivia’s House.

Enter Sir Toby and Maria.
SIR TOBY
What a plague means my niece to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.
MARIA
By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights; your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.
SIR TOBY
Why, let her except, before excepted.
MARIA
Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.
SIR TOBY
Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too; and they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
MARIA
That quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
SIR TOBY
Who? Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
MARIA
Ay, he.
SIR TOBY
He’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.
MARIA
What’s that to th’ purpose?
SIR TOBY
Why, he has three thousand ducats a year.
MARIA
Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a very fool, and a prodigal.
SIR TOBY
Fie, that you’ll say so! he plays o’ the viol-de-gamboysA bass viol, a large bowed stringed instrument held between the legs., and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
MARIA
He hath indeed, almost natural: for, besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller; and, but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
SIR TOBY
By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractorsA detractor or slanderer. that say so of him. Who are they?
MARIA
They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company.
SIR TOBY
With drinking healths to my niece; I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat, and drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coystrilA low, contemptible fellow or knave. that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ the toe like a parish topa large spinning top kept for communal amusement and driven with a whip.. What, wench! Castiliano vulgoAn injunction to adopt a grave, dignified Spanish manner.: for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
Enter Sir Andrew.
AGUECHEEK
Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?
SIR TOBY
Sweet Sir Andrew!
SIR ANDREW
Bless you, fair shrew.
MARIA
And you too, sir.
SIR TOBY
Accost, Sir Andrew, accost.
SIR ANDREW
What’s that?
SIR TOBY
My niece’s chamber-maid.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
MARIA
My name is Mary, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Good Mistress Mary Accost,—
SIR TOBY
You mistake, knight: accost is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
SIR ANDREW
By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of accost?
MARIA
Fare you well, gentlemen.
SIR TOBY
And thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.
SIR ANDREW
And you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
MARIA
Sir, I have not you by the hand.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my hand.
MARIA
Now, sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to th’ buttery bar and let it drink.
SIR ANDREW
Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?
MARIA
It’s dry, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Why, I think so; I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?
MARIA
A dry jest, sir.
SIR ANDREW
Are you full of them?
MARIA
Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.
Exit Maria.
SIR TOBY
O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary: When did I see thee so put down?
SIR ANDREW
Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has; but I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.
SIR TOBY
No question.
SIR ANDREW
And I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home tomorrow, Sir Toby.
SIR TOBY
Pourquoythe French word for ‘why’., my dear knight?
SIR ANDREW
What is pourquoy? Do, or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bear-baiting. O, had I but followed the arts!
SIR TOBY
Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
SIR ANDREW
Why, would that have mended my hair?
SIR TOBY
Past question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
SIR ANDREW
But it becomes me well enough, does’t not?
SIR TOBY
Excellent, it hangs like flax on a distaffA staff on which fibres are held for spinning thread.; and I hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs, and spin it off.
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby; your niece will not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me; the Count himself here hard by woos her.
SIR TOBY
She’ll none o’ the Count; she’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.
SIR ANDREW
I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ the strangest mind i’ the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.
SIR TOBY
Art thou good at these kick-shawsesA fancy, delicate dish or an elaborate trifle., knight?
SIR ANDREW
As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
SIR TOBY
What is thy excellence in a galliarda lively dance in triple time involving leaps and vigorous steps., knight?
SIR ANDREW
Faith, I can cut a caper.
SIR TOBY
And I can cut the mutton to’t.
SIR ANDREW
And I think I have the back-tricka backward step or movement in dancing. simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
SIR TOBY
Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Malla conventional name for a bold or disreputable woman.’s picture? Why dost thou not go to church in a galliard, and come home in a corantoA lively courtly dance with running and leaping steps.? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pacethe cinquepace, a lively dance with five steps or movements.. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
SIR ANDREW
Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a dam’d-colour’dof a colour associated with devils or the damned, especially black. stock. Shall we set about some revels?
SIR TOBY
What shall we do else? Were we not born under Taurus?
SIR ANDREW
Taurus? That’s sides and heart.
SIR TOBY
No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. Ha, higher: ha, ha, excellent!
Exeunt.