I have sent after him. He says he’ll come;How shall I feast him? What bestow of him?For youth is bought more oft than begg’d or borrow’d.I speak too loud.—Where’s Malvolio?—He is sad and civil,And suits well for a servant with my fortunes;Where is Malvolio?
MARIA
He’s coming, madam:But in very strange manner. He is sure possessed, madam.
OLIVIA
Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave?
MARIA
No, madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come, for sure the man is tainted in ’s wits.
OLIVIA
Go call him hither. I’m as mad as he,If sad and merry madness equal be.
Enter Malvolio.
OLIVIA
How now, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Sweet lady, ho, ho!
OLIVIA
Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO
Sad, lady? I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering. But what of that?If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is: ‘Please one and please all.’
OLIVIA
Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
OLIVIA
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
To bed? Ay, sweetheart, and I’ll come to thee.
OLIVIA
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?
MARIA
How do you, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
At your request? Yes, nightingales answer daws!
MARIA
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO
‘Be not afraid of greatness.’ ’Twas well writ.
OLIVIA
What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
‘Some are born great’—
OLIVIA
Ha?
MALVOLIO
‘Some achieve greatness’—
OLIVIA
What say’st thou?
MALVOLIO
‘And some have greatness thrust upon them.’
OLIVIA
Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO
‘Remember who commended thy yellow stockings’—
OLIVIA
Thy yellow stockings?
MALVOLIO
‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’
OLIVIA
Cross-gartered?
MALVOLIO
‘Go to: thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so:’—
OLIVIA
Am I made?
MALVOLIO
‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
OLIVIA
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant.
SERVANT
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned; I could hardly entreat him back. He attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
OLIVIA
I’ll come to him.
Exit Servant.
OLIVIA
Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him; I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
Exeunt Olivia and Maria.
MALVOLIO
O ho, do you come near me now?No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me.This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter.‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she; ‘be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants, let thy tongue tang with arguments of state, put thyself into the trick of singularity,’ and consequently, sets down the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth.I have limed her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful!And when she went away now, ‘Let this fellow be looked to;’ ‘Fellow!’ not ‘Malvolio’, nor after my degree, but ‘fellow’.Why, everything adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance. What can be said?Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes.Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Enter Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria.
SIR TOBY
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.
FABIAN
Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir? How is’t with you, man?
MALVOLIO
Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off.
MARIA
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO
Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY
Go to, go to; peace, peace, we must deal gently with him. Let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? How is’t with you? What, man! defy the devil! Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO
Do you know what you say?
MARIA
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitched.
FABIAN
Carry his water to th’ wise woman.
MARIA
Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say.
MALVOLIO
How now, mistress!
MARIA
O Lord!
SIR TOBY
Prithee hold thy peace, this is not the way. Do you not see you move him? Let me alone with him.
FABIAN
No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY
Why, how now, my bawcocka fine, worthy fellow.? How dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO
Sir!
SIR TOBY
Ay, biddy, come with me. What, man, ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pitA game in which cherry stones are thrown into a small hole. with Satan. Hang him, foul collier!
MARIA
Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO
My prayers, minx?
MARIA
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO
Go, hang yourselves all! You are idle, shallow things. I am not of your element. You shall know more hereafter.
Exit.
SIR TOBY
Is’t possible?
FABIAN
If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
SIR TOBY
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA
The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY
Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and bound.My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad.We may carry it thus for our pleasure, and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him, at which time we will bring the device to the bar, and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see!
Enter Sir Andrew.
FABIAN
More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW
Here’s the challenge, read it. I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.
FABIAN
Is’t so saucy?
SIR ANDREW
Ay, is’t, I warrant him. Do but read.
SIR TOBY
Give me. Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.
FABIAN
Good, and valiant.
SIR TOBY
Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.
FABIAN
A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY
Thou comest to the Lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.
FABIAN
Very brief, and to exceeding good sense—less.
SIR TOBY
I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me—
FABIAN
Good.
SIR TOBY
Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain.
FABIAN
Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law. Good.
SIR TOBY
Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,Andrew Aguecheek.If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give’t him.
MARIA
You may have very fit occasion for’t. He is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
SIR TOBY
Go, Sir Andrew. Scout me for him at the corner of the orchard, like a bum-bailyA bailiff employed to arrest debtors..So soon as ever thou seest him, draw, and as thou draw’st, swear horrible, for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away.
SIR ANDREW
Nay, let me alone for swearing.
Exit.
SIR TOBY
Now will not I deliver his letter, for the behaviour of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less.Therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth.He will find it comes from a clodpole.But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek notable report of valour, and drive the gentleman (as I know his youth will aptly receive it) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity.This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
Enter Olivia and Viola.
FABIAN
Here he comes with your niece; give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY
I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
Exeunt Sir Toby, Fabian and Maria.
OLIVIA
I have said too much unto a heart of stone,And laid mine honour too unchary on’t:There’s something in me that reproves my fault:But such a headstrong potent fault it is,That it but mocks reproof.
VIOLA
With the same ’haviour that your passion bearsGoes on my master’s griefs.
OLIVIA
Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture.Refuse it not, it hath no tongue to vex you.And I beseech you come again tomorrow.What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,That honour sav’d, may upon asking give?
VIOLA
Nothing but this, your true love for my master.
OLIVIA
How with mine honour may I give him thatWhich I have given to you?
VIOLA
I will acquit you.
OLIVIA
Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well;A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
Exit.
Enter Sir Toby and Fabian.
SIR TOBY
Gentleman, God save thee.
VIOLA
And you, sir.
SIR TOBY
That defence thou hast, betake thee to’t.Of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not, but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end.Dismount thy tucka long, narrow thrusting sword or rapier., be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful, and deadly.
VIOLA
You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me. My remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY
You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you.Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard, for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath, can furnish man withal.
VIOLA
I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY
He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier, and on carpet considerationUnder formal consideration or discussion., but he is a devil in private brawl.Souls and bodies hath he divorced three, and his incensementProvocation to anger; enragement. at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre.Hob, nobAt random or come what may, with either outcome accepted. is his word; give’t or take’t.
VIOLA
I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter.I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely onTo impose or fasten a cause of dispute upon someone. others to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk.
SIR TOBY
Sir, no. His indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury; therefore, get you on and give him his desire.Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him.Therefore on, or strip your sword stark naked, for meddle you must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
VIOLA
This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is. It is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
SIR TOBY
I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.
Exit Sir Toby.
VIOLA
Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN
I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement, but nothing of the circumstance more.
VIOLA
I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN
Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour.He is indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria.Will you walk towards him?I will make your peace with him if I can.
VIOLA
I shall be much bound to you for’t. I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
Exeunt.
Enter Sir Toby and Sir Andrew.
SIR TOBY
Why, man, he’s a very devil.I have not seen such a firagoa bold, domineering, or quarrelsome woman; a virago..I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck-inA forceful thrust with a pointed weapon. with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they step on.They say he has been fencer to the Sophythe title given to the ruler of Persia, especially the Shah..
SIR ANDREW
Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY
Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
SIR ANDREW
Plague on’t, an I thought he had been valiant, and so cunning in fence, I’d have seen him damned ere I’d have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
SIR TOBY
I’ll make the motion. Stand here, make a good show on’t. This shall end without the perdition of souls. Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
Enter Fabian and Viola.
SIR TOBY
I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.
FABIAN
He is as horribly conceited of him, and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
SIR TOBY
There’s no remedy, sir, he will fight with you for’s oath sake.Marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of.Therefore, draw for the supportanceSupport, maintenance, or assistance. of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA
Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
FABIAN
Give ground if you see him furious.
SIR TOBY
Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy, the gentleman will for his honour’s sake have one bout with you.He cannot by the duelloThe formal practice or code of duelling. avoid it; but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on: to’t.
SIR ANDREW
Pray God he keep his oath!
Enter Antonio.
VIOLA
I do assure you ’tis against my will.
ANTONIO
Put up your sword. If this young gentlemanHave done offence, I take the fault on me.If you offend him, I for him defy you.
SIR TOBY
You, sir? Why, what are you?
ANTONIO
One, sir, that for his love dares yet do moreThan you have heard him brag to you he will.
SIR TOBY
Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
Enter Officers.
FABIAN
O good Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers.
SIR TOBY
I’ll be with you anon.
VIOLA
Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
SIR ANDREW
Marry, will I, sir; and for that I promised you, I’ll be as good as my word. He will bear you easily, and reins well.
FIRST OFFICER
This is the man; do thy office.
SECOND OFFICER
Antonio, I arrest thee at the suitOf Count Orsino.
ANTONIO
You do mistake me, sir.
FIRST OFFICER
No, sir, no jot. I know your favour well,Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.—Take him away, he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO
I must obey. This comes with seeking you;But there’s no remedy, I shall answer it.What will you do? Now my necessityMakes me to ask you for my purse. It grieves meMuch more for what I cannot do for you,Than what befalls myself. You stand amaz’d,But be of comfort.
SECOND OFFICER
Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO
I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA
What money, sir?For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,And part being prompted by your present trouble,Out of my lean and low abilityI’ll lend you something. My having is not much;I’ll make division of my present with you.Hold, there’s half my coffer.
ANTONIO
Will you deny me now?Is’t possible that my deserts to youCan lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,Lest that it make me so unsound a manAs to upbraid you with those kindnessesThat I have done for you.
VIOLA
I know of none,Nor know I you by voice or any feature.I hate ingratitude more in a manThan lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,Or any taint of vice whose strong corruptionInhabits our frail blood.
ANTONIO
O heavens themselves!
SECOND OFFICER
Come, sir, I pray you go.
ANTONIO
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see hereI snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,Reliev’d him with such sanctity of love;And to his image, which methought did promiseMost venerable worth, did I devotion.
FIRST OFFICER
What’s that to us? The time goes by. Away!
ANTONIO
But O how vile an idol proves this god!Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind.Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evilAre empty trunks, o’erflourishedTo adorn or embellish excessively. by the devil.
FIRST OFFICER
The man grows mad, away with him. Come, come, sir.
ANTONIO
Lead me on.
Exeunt Officers with Antonio.
VIOLA
Methinks his words do from such passion flyThat he believes himself; so do not I.Prove true, imagination, O prove true,That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!
SIR TOBY
Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian. We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
VIOLA
He nam’d Sebastian. I my brother knowYet living in my glass; even such and soIn favour was my brother, and he wentStill in this fashion, colour, ornament,For him I imitate. O if it prove,Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!
Exit.
SIR TOBY
A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity, and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN
A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
SIR ANDREW
’SlidAn oath meaning ‘by God’s eyelid’., I’ll after him again and beat him.